Vicious circle
by tsusami
Summary: CH 3 up RinSess My attempt at a less innocent, darker, problematic side to the RinSess love relationship
1. Yume Prologue part one

Disclaimer- I don't own these characters. They are the original creation of Rumiko Takahashi. I'm just borrowing them.  
  
Rating: PG-13 Pair: Rin/Sess translations: ano-um; ga daisu. . .- I lo . . .(love); matteiru- ill be waiting  
  
A/N: welcome back minna. For those of you who haven't read Shooting Star, I suggest you go back and read it or else Sess will seem even more ooc than he does now =p Though, it's not really mandatory since this fic pretty much stands on its own. to everyone else: this scene is three years after where the first fic (second ending) leaves off. If you want it to continue from the first ending then ignore the prologue and start with chapter one. Hope that isn't too confusing. enjoy!  
  
She blushed under the intensity of his eyes, silent gold flickering at her like candle flames in the dim light. His stare penetrated her small frame, making her shiver despite the warm summer air.  
  
He refrained from touch, but merely gazed- still struggling, she presumed, to accept the frail frame of her humanity; his own body teeming with power that could easily break her.  
  
Shyly, she loosened the bindings of her kimono, easing an edge down to expose a pale shoulder. The rustle of cloth marred the otherwise perfect silence as he stood- entranced by her image.  
  
But he forced his gaze away, his hand slightly brushed hers, silently bidding her to cease.  
  
"Sesshoumaru-sama?"  
  
He nearly smiled at her. Or rather, he tried.  
  
"This isn't why I sent Jaken away."  
  
Her brows twisted in confusion.  
  
"You know where we are going tomorrow."  
  
She nodded. "Inu Yasha forest."  
  
"You'll be staying with Kaede."  
  
Silence.  
  
She felt his words weigh her down. Separation? Was he really going to leave her behind? That wasn't new, but why? Why was she being taken care of by someone else?  
  
His hand reached out, brushing a strand of her ebony hair behind her ear. His hand lingered near the surface of her skin, but he paused. Pulling away he turned to leave.  
  
"Ano . . . when," she hardly whispered, "when . . are you coming back?"  
  
He stopped. Her heart pounded. She had imagined that question a million times, but never had she asked before.  
  
He turned to look and watched as she struggled to hide her apprehension. His steps were slow, graceful, his approach silent as he gracefully strode to her side, touching her cheek affectionately.  
  
His touch was gentle, hardly a touch at all. More like a whisper she could feel murmured against her cheek.  
  
But like a match against her, his touch elicited a fiery blush she was sure he could feel let alone see.  
  
She looked away shyly. "Gomen. I shouldn't have asked. I'll wait for Sesshoumaru-sama. Sesshoumaru- same ga daisu* . ."  
  
He pressed his lips against hers firmly, before softening his touch in remembrance of the gentleness she had taught him.  
  
Her eyes widened in surprise to the suddenness of his kiss. Why was he acting like this. . . he never showed so much passion before- almost desperate in a sense, almost . . . sad. Like a goodbye, when he had never said goodbye all those times in the past. . .  
  
Sesshoumaru . . .  
  
Wrapping his arm around her waist, he held her.  
  
Boldened by his move, she threw her arms around him. Her fingers threaded through the silkiness of his long silver hair, the other clinging to his warmth. His grip tightened and his arm held her close, almost possessively; and yet she felt like they were already miles apart. Returning his kiss with all the love she could muster, she clung to him as well, trying to engrave the memory of his touch. . . trying to hold onto this rare moment.  
  
Matteiru*. . . Sesshoumaru-sama  
  
Rin sat up startled. She searched the dark room, but there were only slumbering shadows surrounding her.  
  
Another dream. . . .  
  
She looked out the small window, at the threads of pale moonlight stretching across the windowpane and thought for a moment of Sesshoumaru's silver hair. The feel of his hair was still fresh in her mind . . .  
  
But it was only a dream . . .  
  
She sighed. It felt so real. She had dreamt of the night of their departure for two weeks now. Each dream became more vivid and imaginative with each night.  
  
Rin blushed to think of what she had just dreamt. She blushed even more when she recalled Sesshoumaru's part in the dream. Her hand wandered to her forehead. Yes he had kissed her that night. But not the kiss of a lover; it was merely a chaste kiss on her forehead, like a father would give a child.  
  
Rin flopped back down onto her pillow. It had only been two weeks and yet she already missed him desperately.  
  
She shut her eyes, trying to hold onto her image of him, but slowly forfeited the image to a mind steadily fogging with drowsiness.  
  
"Matteiru, Sesshoumaru-sama." She murmured sleepily, before her mind slowly drowsed into dreamlessness. 


	2. Another view Prologue part two

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. =P  
  
*cultural note- the forms of addressing people, such as -san is a form of respect for the person. -sama is way of showing even higher respect, but to use a persons name by itself is only done between people who are very close/intimate such as spouses or lovers  
  
She always looked lovely by moonlight. A wisp of midnight black hair flew free from its place, striking against the blush that floated upon the surface of her pale cheeks. He knew it was his gaze that made her uncomfortable, and though he looked at her no differently now, he could sense her nervousness.  
  
A small breeze floated airily by. She shivered slightly before tugging at the edge of her kimono to pull it closer to her body.  
  
She looked at him in earnestness. He almost regretted what he had to say.  
  
In anticipation of her reaction, his hand reached out, a gesture of comfort, but he stopped short of her hand. The breeze floated between them, brushed his hand lightly as he slowly retracted his offer.  
  
He forced his gaze away, irritatingly self conscious due to the way she looked at him, berating himself for his clumsiness. How could he let himself get so weak towards her?  
  
"Sesshoumaru-sama?" He could hear the apprehension and confusion, swirling through her voice, anchored only in her sudden concern for him.  
  
He tried to feint a smile to comfort her; dropping it swiftly when he remembered that his smiles often unsettled people more than they comforted them.  
  
"There is a reason why I've sent Jaken away."  
  
Her expression voiced the unspoken "why?" he knew she would never openly ask.  
  
"You know where we are going tomorrow."  
  
Eyes lowered to the floor, she nodded her head sullenly.  
  
"Inu Yasha Forest."  
  
"You'll be staying with Kaede."  
  
Silence. Disappointment. That was her first reaction he noted as he watched the words settle, slightly curious to note how she'd understand this situation. He was slightly alarmed at the level of disappointment hanging in her countenance, brows furrowed above her downcast eyes, trying to comprehend the implications. True, he had never warned her all those previous times when he demanded she stay behind. How she unraveled this bit of news was entirely up to her. Hopefully, she wouldn't understand. He was drawn in by the small pout that seemed to tug at the corner of her mouth, making her seem, for a moment, like the little girl he found in the forest though she had not frowned much since then. But her mind's confusion seemed to clear, or rather, dispelled by the sudden brilliance that illuminated her face as she smiled up at him with complete trust. He felt almost guilty under the scrutiny of that smile, yet he also couldn't help but note, in some obscure corner of his mind, a sense of relief. His business done, he turned to walk away.  
  
"Ano . . . when," he paused, "when . . are you coming back?"  
  
It was hardly more than a whisper, but it made him stop dead in his tracks, caught, off guard, the rare feat only she seemed capable of, by her simple question. He wondered how many times she had wondered that question before, how many times she pondered it while she waited for him alone. But she had never asked. She had never really questioned him before. Ironic, he reflected to himself. Leave it for now, when it mattered. . .when he couldn't answer, that she should ask.  
  
He turned to look at her. She was still smiling, though he had known her long enough to recognize it for what it was. She had always smiled for him. For so long it had been genuine, but lately, she had begun to mask things from him. He knew she was worried, knew she was struggling to understand why he was leaving her behind like this.  
  
He strode towards her quietly. He fought to defend himself from the sadness threatening to creep into his expression. His hand reached out to touch her hair affectionately. Another habit he now berated himself for, only to stop suddenly when he noticed the sudden sadness in her eyes. She blushed slightly and looked away shyly. He was confused for a moment, bewildered by this shift in behavior, resigned to merely watching her intently.  
  
"Gomen. I shouldn't have asked." she murmured softly towards the forest floor, keeping her eyes averted. He grew even more perplexed. Surely she knew he wasn't angry with her. Sesshoumaru stood, quietly puzzling over Rin's odd behavior. "I'll wait for Sesshoumaru-sama." She hesitated, blushing even more furiously than before. "Sesshoumaru-sama ga daisu. . ." But he wouldn't allow her to continue. He couldn't. Bringing her chin up to face him, he firmly planted a chaste kiss on her forehead. He had seen Rin do it to Jaken enough times to know how to do it properly. He felt her stiffen, startled no doubt by his unexpected reaction. Or prevention rather. He had heard these words already many years before when he was still unwilling to accept them; but now. . . now they must be silenced. Nothing good could come out of them anymore. Instead, he could only treat her like a child. She had to know where they stood. He was her guardian and nothing more; and though he had allowed her subtle displays of affection in the past, tonight it ended.  
  
Boldened perhaps, by her emotions, she threw her arms around him. He recoiled at first, awkwardly uncertain of how to react. But he resigned, and relaxed, allowing her this one last opportunity; standing there awkwardly and uncomfortably, he was hesitant to move while Rin clung to him so tightly. He couldn't help but smell her hair; noting the scent of flowers and forest grass. The result of spending so many nights in a forest, or relaxing on the ground while she stared up at the sky, as she often did.  
  
"Sesshoumaru. . .*" she whispered.  
  
He almost pushed her away, startled, by her failure to address him properly, by her complete forwardness with him, but stopped at the faint scent of tears mingled against her skin. He nearly sighed and slowly, rather reluctantly placed his arm around her waist, careful of how he touched her, as though she were a doll that could easily break. They stood there silently, Sesshoumaru half angrily wondering how he'd lost control, patiently waiting for her tears to cease.  
  
Sesshoumaru's mind slowly came back to the present, wondering briefly why he was thinking about that night at a time like this, remembering only in his disgust when he looked at the woman in front of him; her long blond hair flowing, unkempt around her, dispersing the scent of sakura blossoms rinsed in sweat. His mind wandering back to the nostalgic image of Rin, bashfully toeing the ground in her orange kimono, eyes lowered modestly while blushing for him under the clear silver moon; He remembered, to perfection, the scent of her hair, fresh flowers untainted - the image of innocence and unmarred purity, catalyzing the completion of his repulsive task upon which he promptly dropped the female youkai with distaste.  
  
He sneered at the irony. Is this how his father felt?  
  
He swiftly left the chamber, unconcerned with his guest's welfare, seeking out instead, the nearest bath in his eagerness to rid himself of her lingering scent. Maybe Jaken will get off my case now, he thought in annoyance before his mind returned to the severity of the situation and a small sense of satisfaction.  
  
She'll conceive. I'm sure of it. 


	3. Yama no Naka

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. They belong to the great Rumiko Takahashi =)  
  
Rin gently plucked the white flowers, gingerly placing them next to Kaede's herbs. They reminded her slightly of the white flowers that grew in Inu Yasha forest, only these were broader, more velvety at the touch, and their fragrance overwhelmed the senses.  
  
Kaede hadn't asked for flowers, but Rin heard those wild flowers calling and couldn't resist.  
  
"Rin! Are you over here?" Kohaku's voice called out.  
  
"Hai! I'm nearly done!" She gathered the skirts of her violet kimono and grabbed the basket of herbs on the ground.  
  
"Did you find everything ok?" Kohaku's voice caught her from behind. She spun around quickly, smiling in reply to his teasing smirk.  
  
"Yes, I found everything this time," she stuck out her tongue. This was the second time Rin had gone out to the mountain to collect herbs for Kaede. Kaede had found that the task was becoming increasingly more difficult so Rin had volunteered last time only to unwittingly get lost and bring back the wrong herbs. Of course, this time she was more prepared.  
  
"Did YOU find everything ok?" she teased back.  
  
"Of course. Don't I always?"  
  
Rin didn't reply, but merely crossed her arms and turned her head. He always had to be such a know it all.  
  
Rin laughed. Not that he could help it. She remembered his stories about living in the forests and knew that Kohaku's knowledge would always surpass her own.  
  
She handed Kohaku the basket of herbs when his eyes widened at the flowers.  
  
"Wow! I didn't know these were in blossom already! Mind if I steal one for Aya?"  
  
Rin shook her head, smiling.  
  
"Thanks!"  
  
Rin gazed back towards the flowers, half listening while Kohaku prattled on about Aya's love of flowers, trying to smile and nod now and then so she didn't appear too distracted.  
  
Kohaku and Aya had been married for two years now, their first son just born a few months ago. As much as Rin loved taking care of the baby for them sometimes, she couldn't help but feel a twinge of jealousy.  
  
She couldn't help but wonder. .. what if, . .what if she had accepted Kohaku's proposal all those years ago? She was hardly more than 19 then, and had spent slightly over a year with Kaede, but her and Kohaku had always been close. He had been like a brother to her, only he had once hoped for more.  
  
She often wondered what it would be like if she had accepted. Watching Aya cradle her baby, she imagined herself, round bellied and preparing food while Kohaku worked in the village.  
  
She imagined she could have been happy.  
  
Until the image changed, and before she knew it, it was Sesshoumaru, and not Kohaku coming home to her.  
  
She had declined. As much as she knew Kohaku cared, she could never give up on the hope that Sesshoumaru would come back for her.  
  
She would never love anyone the way she loved him.  
  
Rin could sense a prickling in the back of her throat, a panicky feeling rising in her chest- the same feeling she got every time she thought of what might have become of Sesshoumaru.  
  
It's been nearly six years now, she thought to herself. What if he never. . .  
  
"Rin? Rin?!"  
  
"Ah, hai," she blinked in embarrassment.  
  
"I asked if you wanted to join me and little Kohaku today."  
  
"Oh. Sure," she smiled.  
  
"If you're there, then I'm sure Sango won't mind letting Sakura join us."  
  
Rin smiled. Oddly enough, it was always Miroku that was hesitant to let his seven year old daughter play with the boys. But Seri had the same vivacious spirit as her mother and loved playing with her uncle and older brother. Rin always thought that, being married to Sango, Miroku would be comfortable with his daughter's adventurous side, though Miroku always worried about the boys being TOO rough around her. Rin would sometimes train with them, since she wasn't as adept at fighting as the other adults were, which often put his mind at ease.  
  
She forged a smile, picturing, with some envy, the happy faces they always seemed to wear.  
  
"That should be fun." Rin piped in half heartedly. She seemed to always be surrounded by children. Her hand wandered to her stomach unconsciously. And yet none would ever be her own.  
  
She gazed back down at the white flowers swaying gently with the motion of the swinging basket.  
  
She wondered where Sesshoumaru was now.  
  
His eyes lacked expression, regarding her with the same cool disinterestedness with which he would treat a fly.  
  
She slid her sleeve down teasingly, barely enough to expose the pale smoothness of her round shoulder, dipping down into the rising swell of her breast.  
  
Rough lips gravitated towards the juncture between jawline and neck, migrating below the ear down to her shoulder. A greedy hand dove beneath the loosened cloth, squeezing her breast tentatively before ripping the material down entirely.  
  
She moaned sexily under the ministrations, more out of show than any actual pleasure. It was rare for her lord to actually look at her. She'd make sure she'd give him a performance.  
  
Half exposed already, she stretched out a long, shapely leg, sliding her robe further up her hip, to rub it erotically against an outer thigh. Fueling the arousal she felt building as the man in her lap pressed himself between her thighs, her own body began to respond.  
  
Sesshoumaru blinked: the only outward sign of his disgust at her wanton display of lust. She knew he was watching her from the shadows, as she moaned more dramatically than she would have otherwise. He recognized the man, now dirtying his bed, from his own guard. Not that he slept there anyway.  
  
They were getting too close, he clenched his teeth with annoyance. He had allowed his mate's little games, allowed her affairs without so much as acknowledging them, but she was getting more daring. Any male within a mile could tell that she was in heat, and he was positive that she was just as aware of the risks she ran with this little escapade as he was. He had always allowed her the utmost freedom, but she would not make an outward fool out of him.  
  
She grinned cheekily. She had been trying to get a rise out of him for five years now. It was rare for him to keep a direct eye on her, and even rarer for him to actually stay.  
  
She was playing with fire, but she thrived upon it.  
  
He had never so much as blinked at her affairs before, content to leave her so unsatisfied as to drive her to other men. Their first time had been their last, and since then she had struggled, vainly, to find a way to break his ice cold exterior, hoping that she could drive him, if even in anger, to even acknowledge her again.  
  
She shifted her body slightly under the guard that now smashed his hips against hers clumsily. She had to slow him down or he would ruin it for her. Undeterred, he shifted his body with hers. She nearly cursed with annoyance, resorting to an ambiguous grimace instead.  
  
He would NOT take control. She sat up, pushing his chest with the flats of her palms, coaxing him onto his back.  
  
The stupid fool complied, she smirked. She had learned at a young age, how easily manipulated men were. All except for the silver haired lord that now stood seemingly apathetic, in the shadowed corner.  
  
But they had all served their purposes, satisfying her in the most basic sense of the word. But none. . . none had yet matched his power. And for Shirohime, there was no greater aphrodisiac than power.  
  
She received an odd pleasure in knowing that he was watching; her body more responsive to his gaze than the poor fool she'd seduced into her chamber.  
  
She lost herself, briefly, in the fantasy that it was his body, beneath hers.  
  
Erringly, she allowed the guard to take back control, realizing it too late, when he pressed her back flat against the bed covers.  
  
She nearly gasped in horror, but was careful to remember that she was supposed to be enjoying this.  
  
She grew concerned at the rate with which he sped up the intensity of his motion, screaming suddenly and then collapsing, onto the softness of her warm skin.  
  
It took her a moment to register what happened, before, suddenly horrified, she rushed to push the dead body off of her.  
  
Sesshoumaru showed no hint of anger, despite the claw marks that ripped through the guards back. He threw a robe at her, turning gracefully on his heels and walked out the door.  
  
"Get out." He called behind him, without a hint of the rage she suddenly felt boiling up inside.  
  
A/N: This used to be a PG-13 fic 0.o but I decided to up the rating due to the mature turn it took. Hopefully it's a good change. By the way, for those of you who are confused as to why Kohaku is alive in this fic, I explained it all in my first story "Shooting Star" for which this story is actually a sequel. In case I use write anything else that confuses you, it's probably explained in the first fic, but I'll try to reiterate in this story. Thanks. Hope you enjoyed =D 


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